uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
