Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
