I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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