Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
