Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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