this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we made out on top of his cat.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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