Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
