Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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