smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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