Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
