I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So much rum. So many feels.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
