I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
