i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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