Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
