Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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