I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
