have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
