My friends, they love my intelligence
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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