I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
