About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
