I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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