she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
