U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
