You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
