im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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