I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
