i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
