trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize