so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
