He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
