Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
