i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
