dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
