I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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