he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Who died my cat blue again?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
