Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
