Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
