I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
