okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
