There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
