Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We just shotgunned beers for America
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
