Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
