Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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