I wish I only lived at night.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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