I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
