I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
