She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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