i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
