My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
