This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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