I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's just like the Real World with babies
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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