if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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