The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
