thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
