I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i was born a porn star she said
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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