3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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