That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
