Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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