bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Never joke about your clitoris.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
