im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
