If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
