and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
