woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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