69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize